My semester exams are just a few days away.
Am I anxious? Worried? Excited? Am I nervous? Yes. But for the first time in my whole life, I am not anxious because I need to score marks. I am not worried that I will mess it up. I am not nervous about what my parents think. For the first time, I am excited about writing the exam itself, more than how much I might score in it.
Just this afternoon, I wasn't.
Before I start off with my sad story, let me tell you, I have immense respect towards Science and Science students. My point is that not everybody wants to be a Science student. This might seem like a clichéd article, but trust me; it’s going to take a long time for our society to accept that fact. A few days before my 12th-grade board exams, I sat with my parents and told them that I wasn't sure if I would pass Math. Obviously, they freaked out, and the next thing I knew, I was in 2 different tuitions, slogging 12 hours a day on Math, but not a single minute of it was helping. I had to switch my brain with the smartest kid in class to understand a year’s portions in 2 weeks. It was impossible. No, I wasn't born stupid or something, I've had my share of proud 100/100’s in Math too, but high school changed everything. I have an overachieving cousin, who performed excellently well in his engineering exams. An aeronautical engineer, that’s what he became. And I had no idea what it was all about in 8th grade, but I was fascinated by the way my family was treating him, and boom, I decided to become an aeronautical engineer. But was that what I really wanted to be? No. From a very young age, I have always had an inclination towards Arts; towards language and literature, towards current affairs, towards politics, towards fashion. But I was unsure about it- not that I would dislike it in the future, but unsure because I was not used to seeing people around me opting for anything other than engineering or medical science. It’s a well-known fact that in India if you want to be anything other than an engineer or a doctor, it is literally considered a crime. Something that is just not acceptable. And believe me, I know the feeling. The time finally came when I had to choose what I would specialize in, in high school. I sat and spoke to my parents about it, about my interest in Arts, and I should tell you, I am blessed with parents who would support me with my decisions and not force something upon me, even if they do not appreciate my decision. They told me they were okay with anything, and this made me think even more. “Would my friends choose Arts?” “What if I wake up someday and suddenly realize that I want to be a doctor?” “Wouldn't Science be a safe option? I mean, I can still switch to another stream whenever I want to, right?” I asked myself the same questions every day.
Then I chose Science.
The very first day of my 11th grade began with a physics class, and that was the exact moment I realized I wasn't meant for Science. No way! I couldn't concentrate for a single minute and all I could think of was, “what did I do to my life?” I went home, I cried myself to sleep. I cried in front of my mom (who suggested that I should switch my stream, but I didn't want to because I’d spent 3000 Rupees already on reference books for IIT and NITs. And it was still the 1st day of school. I know right?), I cried in front of my dad (who told me I would like it eventually, and that life would be amazing if I became an architect and joined him. He is a Civil engineer.), and I cried in the park. I cried till I just couldn't cry anymore. I had no friends, they’d all chosen to steer clear from the CBSE board, and I knew none of my teachers well. I thought I had no choice but to be an architect. In 11th grade though, luckily, I got chosen to give the welcome address in the investiture ceremony, and believe me when I say I had never been praised so much in my whole life. Not once! My English teacher, who happened to be one of the biggest influences for my choice today, told me I was meant for the media when I got down from the stage. And obviously, for a 16-year-old, that was everything! It got engraved in my mind. I began giving more speeches, I started demanding for them. I had been scared of public speaking all my life. I was scared of anything that had to do with ‘public’ basically. They would call it ‘stage fear’. Even during my school elections, I had barely managed to complete my speech, before I thought I would pass out in front of the crowd if I stood on the stage for a minute more! (I won it though, thanks to my campaigning skills! I could be the next Modi!) But as time passed, I was no longer afraid of the crowd. It was like a drug, it was addictive. What I felt on stage was probably the most beautiful feeling in the world. It still is. That feeling of liberation, that freedom, nothing can replace it. The crowd became my scale for judging my own oration skills, and comments became my tool to improve myself. I started inclining even more towards media skills and creative writing. My liking for arts began to increase. Everybody understood this. I wanted to pursue Arts. This is what they did not understand. Why would I want to make a career out of this, out of Arts, and not out of science? Why would I want to ‘waste’ my life? My interest towards science began to drop drastically. Numbers and equations, I just couldn't get it! I barely managed to pass 11th grade.
12th grade, midterm exams, Mathematics- 2/100.
Yes, that was my marks in the Math exam. I never told my parents, I still haven’t. I lost all hope in my education, and I gave up. I started going to classes for the sake of it. I stared at the board from 9 am to 4 pm, with absolutely nothing in my mind. Nothing except fear- that I would end up nowhere. Nothing except doubts about my own purpose in life. I know these questions seem too philosophical or stupid now, but I can assure you I am not the only one who went through this. As board exams started nearing, I started freaking out. I stared at the textbooks like a dyslexic child, because I knew nothing. There was one month to go, and I knew nothing. That is when I was forced into math tuition.
I've never studied like I did in that one month.
12th grade is life changing, that’s what they say. ‘You need these marks, or you are doomed’, that’s what they say. But let me tell you, your 12th-grade marks are very important (VERY, if you want to get into a good engineering or a medical college), but not as important as they are portrayed to be. Life won’t stop if the marks you get don’t end up the way you expect them to be. Time won’t freeze. Once you enter college, nobody even bothers to ask you how much you scored in the board exams. You could be sitting next to a person who scored 97%, or you could be sitting with a person who scored 63%. It doesn't matter. Life goes on.
I completed my exams, with Math exam being the last one, and came back home crying. I had no hopes of passing Math. My parents were disappointed. I was disappointed. But it didn’t stop there. My parents knew I wanted to pursue Humanities, but made me appear in more entrance exams for engineering and med school than they did for Arts. I cleared them, but my board results weren’t announced yet. I fought with my family, my friends, my neighbors and defended my decision to take up Humanities. I refused to take up anything else. 4 days before the results, my dad walked into my room and sat next to me. “Pa, what if I don’t pass?”
His answer changed my whole life.
“You know, if I didn't know that you had the potential to do well in what you are interested in, I would be disappointed in you. But, I know you aren't meant for this; for science. Abhi, if you flunk math, I would be disappointed, obviously. But please remember, that isn't the end of the world. You have another chance to clear it, to get it over with and to move on in life. Shit happens, you can’t help it, but you can choose for yourself; if you want to dwell on it, or find a solution and move on. I've always wanted to see you an architect, and I still do, but this is your life. This is your decision. You need to design your life in the way you imagine it, but you need to put your best effort into that. This is your life and your dream Abhi, never ever give up on it. Few things in life are worth fighting for, even if it means fighting against your father or your own family. And your passion is one of them. Never lose hope, and never give up.” My dad, who I never thought would agree on what I wanted to pursue, ended up being my biggest support. My parents will be the biggest support I have in my life.
Surprisingly, I passed Math, I got a decent percentage, I ended up convincing them, and I got into one of the best media colleges in the country. Didn't I tell you? Life works out in its own way.
But not all kids are lucky enough to get parents who understand them. Not all students are brave enough to pursue their dreams. If you are one of them, then know that by letting go of what you don’t like, you are not letting go of your dreams. You are letting go of someone else’s dream. If you don’t follow your own dream, someone else will use you to follow theirs. Be brave; be true to yourself, because it all works out in the end. Fight for it because it deserves to be fought for.
Now, when I study, I don’t study to pass. I don’t care about getting good grades. I don’t study to stay in the 90% range. I don’t study to top the class. I study to understand. I study because I enjoy the subject. I study because I know that even a C grade would give me a reason to just study more. I study because I love it; I study- not for the grades, but to understand the beauty of the subject.
This afternoon, I wasn't sure. But now, I am; of myself, of my dream.
After all, if it’s worth a dream, it’s not worth a compromise.
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