LIFE AFTER 'BOARD EXAMS'; YOU SHALL SURVIVE.

"That awkward moment in an exam when you don't know anything, and you start laughing because you know you're fucked!"

So, dear juniors (you’re probably freaking out and checking what your zodiac holds for you; everyday), I heard your 12^th grade board exams sucked. How does it feel huh? Don’t blame me; I didn’t spy (really, I promise), I just read The Times of India, and boom- splashed on the front page- ‘MATH SCREWS CHILDREN OVER AGAIN- WALKS AWAY HAPPILY; CBSE BOARD FINALLY SATISFIED’. If you are one of those juniors who is on the verge of losing his/her shit or considering other career options, like selling coconuts maybe, believe me, this article is for you.

So, obviously, my last encounter with CBSE boards is recent, not ten million years ago. It was last year, and I’m happy to tell you- I’ve survived; still fat, not that fit, but healthy and breathing. So calm down and continue reading. I’m not going to assure you that your life will be truly amazing after the board exam results are out, because I haven’t even completed my first year in college yet, but- you shall live. And people shall forgive and forget, and the herd will move on; I can guarantee you this.

All my life, my parents, teachers, few stupid seniors, few tuition teachers, and basically 3/4^th of the world always told me that board exams were the MOST important thing in my life. After my 4^th grade finals, my teacher told me I had to perform the same way in my boards. I didn’t even know what boards were! Then, 8^th grade happened. Wow, high school and all that- where someone finally educated us on what board exams were, and how 10^th grade was super important to us. Just when we thought we got out shit together, CBSE brilliantly changed the examination pattern, and all the knowledge we had about the board exams went down the drain. They introduced CCE. I saw all my seniors get a CGPA above 9.6, and I decided- whatever that was, I was going to nail it; easy stuff. I later realised that my seniors were just smart and there was nothing more irritating than the CCE pattern. Somehow, magically, I passed 10^th grade like every other CBSE student, thanks to the new pattern, which made every child feel special. But was it over? Oh no. CBSE has a diabolical sense of humour. And that’s called 12^th grade.

Now like every other student who isn’t really sure of what to do in life, choosing the Science stream seemed like the safest bet. I always knew that I wanted a career in something related to Media. But no, I had a stupid logic that if I woke up some day, wanting to be a doctor, I wouldn’t be able to if I was in Humanities, but Science had the ability to get me through anything, and that would be my ultimate choice.

And believe me, if you can sit through every science class for 2 years, not understanding a single word, and still believe in yourself and your ability to pass, you can sail through anything.

One month before the board exams, I realised I hadn’t passed a single exam in Math in my 12^th grade, and there was literally no chance of me passing the boards; nope- no way! Just to be clear here, and boast a bit; I’m not stupid. If you’re judging me, thinking, “Hah, what a stupid child, can’t pass Math and all!” I will beat you up. I just hated Math so much, and all the other subjects (basically Physics, Chemistry and some part of Biology) too had Math! “Math” automatically got me to hate the Science stream. For me, exams meant acing the English exam. That’s all.

Board exams finally came around, and we all were like "Wah bhai, this is some serious shit, this is the true challenge in life, this is going to make me a drug addict, or even worse; an engineer", and board exams finally went away, and I came back home crying, freaking out, that my life was over. Now the thing about 12^th grade boards is that it is ‘supposed to’ decide your fate. Reality check: IF YOU DON’T HAVE YOUR BOARD EXAM CERTIFICATE, NO ‘DATE OF BIRTH’ CLARIFICATION, MEANS NO PASSPORT FOR YOU. A PASSPORT WILL LET YOU ROAM THE WORLD, AND YOU CAN HAVE FUN. FUN IS IMPORTANT IN LIFE. NO FUN MEANS BAD LIFE. HENCE, BOARD EXAM IS IMPORTANT.

I swear; this is how the logic works. Okay maybe not entirely, like, you need it till June, to get into a ‘good’ college and all, but that’s it! After that, nobody remembers anything! All those times your parents have compared you to poor kids who score well, your sibling who have better brains, your friends who cheat and score better than you; all those times your teachers have told you that this is the end of your life, times where your parents have given you lectures on how poor kids study with no facilities, and how much you suck, and how you have no future; basically all those moments; one word- BULLSH*T.

Look at us- your seniors- we survived; we got into a good college. I’ve known so many people who’ve scraped through boards and still ended up with a better future than the topper of their batch. I’ve met people with 60%, and also people with 90%, but nobody cares. It’s shocking how they literally put all their f*cks back into their pockets and just leave. No f*cks given. Your college professors won’t care; the students don’t care; your siblings don’t care (Okay, that’s a lie!); the society will find a new victim to prey on, and most of all, your parents will accept it and let it go. They won't disown you.

Every year, 100000000000’s of people appear in these exams (plus or minus one). Of course all of us can’t end up in IIT’s and St. Stephen's, and the other 'elite' colleges, but life goes on. You think I'm kidding? The topper of my batch (2014), Sarthak Agarwal, got a whooping 99.6% in the Science stream, and still didn't get into St. Stephen's. Not because he wasn't smart, but because the college has inhuman expectations. You worrying about it now won’t help you in any way, and the tension might just ruin your chances in the entrance exams. About that irritating neighbor who cares so much about your marks- look on the bright side- once it’s over, she’s out of your life. Maybe she’ll hover around for a month, but that’s going to be the end of it. You won’t end up as her dinner.

On a serious note though, I’m not saying these exams aren’t necessary, but they aren’t the end of your life. You still have the same opportunities, you still have the same chances; you can still achieve because there’s a lot more that life has to offer, example- your college exams. You just have to be true to yourself and believe in yourself. So what if you screwed it up? You’re not the only one. So what if you fail? As bad as it may seem, you are still lucky to have a second chance. So what if you didn’t get into your dream college? Join an ‘ordinary’ one and show them your capability. And if you hate the stream like I did, just get your shit together and start following your dream. 

Don’t let board exams spoil your trust and belief in yourself. They’re mere exams in the end. Life has so much more to offer if you are willing to accept it. There will be other issues and other problems to worry about, and 20 years down the lane, you’ll laugh about the fact that you were worried about your board exams out of all the things. Just accept it as it comes and put your best efforts into the entrance exams, and life will work out in its own strange ways.

For now, good luck for your results. May God be with you (let religion bring you peace).

O.K, BYE.

P.S:  Just in case you need tissues in May, start saving up now. If you pass with flying colors, calm the f*ck down; nobody cares after a week. That's all. 

DOES NEW YEAR REALLY MEAN A NEW BEGINNING?

“Cheers to a new year and another chance for us to get it right.” 

-Oprah Winfrey

Before I begin this article, I just want to wish all my readers a very Happy New Year! I hope we all have the strength to accept everything that happens in 2015- good or bad, and I just hope we can live with it.

I was supposed to talk about dreams in this article, but since it is the 4th day of a ‘new year’, I just thought I’ll talk about what ‘new year’ actually is; because it is the newest thing right now! Look around and you’ll observe that there are 3 ways to approach a ‘new year’. 

1) “OH MY GOD! I’ve no idea how a year just flew by, and it’s already 2015! A new year! A fresh beginning! Let me party and celebrate this amazing gift by nature/god/guy-who-invented-the-calendar and make the most of it! YAY!” (This is 1/4th of how I approach it!)

2) “What’s the big deal man? Just another disappointing year of existence on earth, just another day, just another hour, why give a damn? If we were lost in a desert, and we didn’t know what the date was, would we celebrate New Year? All this is just bullshit invented by the stupid gift stores to loot money!” (Basically, a realistic approach. Or an approach of a skinny lady whose New Year resolution is not to lose weight.) 

3) “New Year huh? You mean, there’s a lot of cake and stuff? Like, I get free food? So, this is an amazing opportunity to eat more food? Hell yeah!” (Now this is 3/4th of what New Year means to me!)

I know each one has a different approach to New Year, but I’m an optimistic person; rarely, and I find New Year to be a really good chance to start over. Often we don’t give importance to the opportunities that come in our way. We take them for granted and shove it aside. I guess that’s what happens when life gives us too many chances, but hey, life isn’t a selfish bit*h. No matter how much you hate it, a New Year signifies that you’re blessed to have lived to witness it. It signifies a new chance. No, I don’t agree that it’s a new beginning. But I believe in chances. A beginning means something new. But let’s face it, there’s not much to begin every day or every year. But maybe you did begin with something a long time ago, and with every passing year, you’re getting a chance to get it right. If you ignore this, you’re just ignoring life. 

We’re humans, we dwell on hope, we dwell on chances, on possibilities and no matter how much we deny it, we all know that if we’re given a chance to write an exam again (even if we’ve failed in it a million times, and we’re sure we’ll fail this time too), we still won’t back out from accepting that opportunity and trying again. Why not New Year then? After all, life is just another exam without any syllabus. 

“Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending.” -Carl Bard

I love this quote. When we graduate high school they tell us we have our whole lives in front of us. Whether we’re off to college or exploring the world, we begin a whole new chapter. Independence.

A starting point. You can just picture that open highway stretched out to infinity before you, beckoning to a future somewhere out on that horizon that calls you to adventure. All that you will become lies out there. But most of us don’t want to see this highway. Most of us never learn to appreciate where we are at this very moment because we’re so focused on what happened (or didn’t happen) in the past that no longer exists and worried about a future that hasn’t happened yet. We don’t realize that this future is still in our hands and that we have an option to change it. We don’t realize that the past was in our hands too, and we let it slip. If we can’t change our past, why dwell on it? If we can change the future, then why dwell on it?  Just seize every opportunity and treat every day as a new chance. After all, with every chance you ignore, you’re missing out on an opportunity to change your life. Every chance you miss is like the time that just flies by; there’s no getting it back. 

So go out there, believe in yourself, take this chance, and change. Change yourself; you’ll be changing a part of this world. Change yourself, and you’ll be letting go of the past. Change yourself, and you’ll be changing your future. Each of us has a unique story we’re supposed to tell. That’s why we’re here. So go ahead and write history, because you owe it to your chance. You owe it to a New Year. You owe it to every second, every minute, every hour of every day. 

You owe it to yourself.

IF IT IS WORTH A DREAM, IT IS NOT WORTH A COMPROMISE

My semester exams are just a few days away.

Am I anxious? Worried? Excited? Am I nervous? Yes. But for the first time in my whole life, I am not anxious because I need to score marks. I am not worried that I will mess it up. I am not nervous about what my parents think. For the first time, I am excited about writing the exam itself, more than how much I might score in it.

Just this afternoon, I wasn't.

Before I start off with my sad story, let me tell you, I have immense respect towards Science and Science students. My point is that not everybody wants to be a Science student. This might seem like a clichéd article, but trust me; it’s going to take a long time for our society to accept that fact. A few days before my 12th-grade board exams, I sat with my parents and told them that I wasn't sure if I would pass Math. Obviously, they freaked out, and the next thing I knew, I was in 2 different tuitions, slogging 12 hours a day on Math, but not a single minute of it was helping. I had to switch my brain with the smartest kid in class to understand a year’s portions in 2 weeks. It was impossible. No, I wasn't born stupid or something, I've had my share of proud 100/100’s in Math too, but high school changed everything. I have an overachieving cousin, who performed excellently well in his engineering exams. An aeronautical engineer, that’s what he became. And I had no idea what it was all about in 8^th grade, but I was fascinated by the way my family was treating him, and boom, I decided to become an aeronautical engineer. But was that what I really wanted to be? No. From a very young age, I have always had an inclination towards Arts; towards language and literature, towards current affairs, towards politics, towards fashion. But I was unsure about it- not that I would dislike it in the future, but unsure because I was not used to seeing people around me opting for anything other than engineering or medical science. It’s a well-known fact that in India if you want to be anything other than an engineer or a doctor, it is literally considered a crime. Something that is just not acceptable. And believe me, I know the feeling. The time finally came when I had to choose what I would specialize in, in high school. I sat and spoke to my parents about it, about my interest in Arts, and I should tell you, I am blessed with parents who would support me with my decisions and not force something upon me, even if they do not appreciate my decision. They told me they were okay with anything, and this made me think even more. “Would my friends choose Arts?” “What if I wake up someday and suddenly realize that I want to be a doctor?” “Wouldn't Science be a safe option? I mean, I can still switch to another stream whenever I want to, right?” I asked myself the same questions every day.

Then I chose Science.

The very first day of my 11^th grade began with a physics class, and that was the exact moment I realized I wasn't meant for Science. No way! I couldn't concentrate for a single minute and all I could think of was, “what did I do to my life?” I went home, I cried myself to sleep. I cried in front of my mom (who suggested that I should switch my stream, but I didn't want to because I’d spent 3000 Rupees already on reference books for IIT and NITs. And it was still the 1^st day of school. I know right?), I cried in front of my dad (who told me I would like it eventually, and that life would be amazing if I became an architect and joined him. He is a Civil engineer.), and I cried in the park. I cried till I just couldn't cry anymore. I had no friends, they’d all chosen to steer clear from the CBSE board, and I knew none of my teachers well. I thought I had no choice but to be an architect. In 11^th grade though, luckily, I got chosen to give the welcome address in the investiture ceremony, and believe me when I say I had never been praised so much in my whole life. Not once! My English teacher, who happened to be one of the biggest influences for my choice today, told me I was meant for the media when I got down from the stage. And obviously, for a 16-year-old, that was everything! It got engraved in my mind. I began giving more speeches, I started demanding for them. I had been scared of public speaking all my life. I was scared of anything that had to do with ‘public’ basically. They would call it ‘stage fear’. Even during my school elections, I had barely managed to complete my speech, before I thought I would pass out in front of the crowd if I stood on the stage for a minute more! (I won it though, thanks to my campaigning skills! I could be the next Modi!) But as time passed, I was no longer afraid of the crowd. It was like a drug, it was addictive. What I felt on stage was probably the most beautiful feeling in the world. It still is. That feeling of liberation, that freedom, nothing can replace it. The crowd became my scale for judging my own oration skills, and comments became my tool to improve myself. I started inclining even more towards media skills and creative writing. My liking for arts began to increase. Everybody understood this. I wanted to pursue Arts. This is what they did not understand. Why would I want to make a career out of this, out of Arts, and not out of science? Why would I want to ‘waste’ my life? My interest towards science began to drop drastically. Numbers and equations, I just couldn't get it! I barely managed to pass 11^th grade.

12^th grade, midterm exams, Mathematics- 2/100.

Yes, that was my marks in the Math exam. I never told my parents, I still haven’t. I lost all hope in my education, and I gave up. I started going to classes for the sake of it. I stared at the board from 9 am to 4 pm, with absolutely nothing in my mind. Nothing except fear- that I would end up nowhere. Nothing except doubts about my own purpose in life. I know these questions seem too philosophical or stupid now, but I can assure you I am not the only one who went through this. As board exams started nearing, I started freaking out. I stared at the textbooks like a dyslexic child, because I knew nothing. There was one month to go, and I knew nothing. That is when I was forced into math tuition.

I've never studied like I did in that one month.

12^th grade is life changing, that’s what they say. ‘You need these marks, or you are doomed’, that’s what they say. But let me tell you, your 12th-grade marks are very important (VERY, if you want to get into a good engineering or a medical college), but not as important as they are portrayed to be. Life won’t stop if the marks you get don’t end up the way you expect them to be. Time won’t freeze. Once you enter college, nobody even bothers to ask you how much you scored in the board exams. You could be sitting next to a person who scored 97%, or you could be sitting with a person who scored 63%. It doesn't matter. Life goes on.

I completed my exams, with Math exam being the last one, and came back home crying. I had no hopes of passing Math. My parents were disappointed. I was disappointed. But it didn’t stop there. My parents knew I wanted to pursue Humanities, but made me appear in more entrance exams for engineering and med school than they did for Arts. I cleared them, but my board results weren’t announced yet. I fought with my family, my friends, my neighbors and defended my decision to take up Humanities. I refused to take up anything else. 4 days before the results, my dad walked into my room and sat next to me. “Pa, what if I don’t pass?”

His answer changed my whole life.

“You know, if I didn't know that you had the potential to do well in what you are interested in, I would be disappointed in you. But, I know you aren't meant for this; for science. Abhi, if you flunk math, I would be disappointed, obviously. But please remember, that isn't the end of the world. You have another chance to clear it, to get it over with and to move on in life. Shit happens, you can’t help it, but you can choose for yourself; if you want to dwell on it, or find a solution and move on. I've always wanted to see you an architect, and I still do, but this is your life. This is your decision. You need to design your life in the way you imagine it, but you need to put your best effort into that. This is your life and your dream Abhi, never ever give up on it. Few things in life are worth fighting for, even if it means fighting against your father or your own family. And your passion is one of them. Never lose hope, and never give up.” My dad, who I never thought would agree on what I wanted to pursue, ended up being my biggest support. My parents will be the biggest support I have in my life.

Surprisingly, I passed Math, I got a decent percentage, I ended up convincing them, and I got into one of the best media colleges in the country. Didn't I tell you? Life works out in its own way.

But not all kids are lucky enough to get parents who understand them. Not all students are brave enough to pursue their dreams. If you are one of them, then know that by letting go of what you don’t like, you are not letting go of your dreams. You are letting go of someone else’s dream. If you don’t follow your own dream, someone else will use you to follow theirs. Be brave; be true to yourself, because it all works out in the end. Fight for it because it deserves to be fought for. 

Now, when I study, I don’t study to pass. I don’t care about getting good grades. I don’t study to stay in the 90% range. I don’t study to top the class. I study to understand. I study because I enjoy the subject. I study because I know that even a C grade would give me a reason to just study more. I study because I love it; I study- not for the grades, but to understand the beauty of the subject.

This afternoon, I wasn't sure. But now, I am; of myself, of my dream.

After all, if it’s worth a dream, it’s not worth a compromise.

THESE SCARS WILL STAY FOREVER

“SHE WAS RAPED AND THERE WAS NOTHING I COULD DO. THESE SCARS THAT STAY FOREVER HELP ME FORGET THAT.”

Never give in to self-harm. Always ask for help.

Long walks help.

Especially if you've had a bad day, and you enjoy your own company, then take a long walk alone. That’s what I do. Keep your phone away; keep that iPod on your table. Go out, empty handed, and look around. Think. Or don’t think, it’s up to you. But long walks help. Few change your mood. Few change your day. Few change your opinions and judgement forever.

It wasn't a very warm day, as it usually is in Manipal. The rains had lowered the temperature noticeably, and I decided to do what I do very often. Take a walk alone. After what seemed like an hour or so, I ran into one of my friends from college. No, she was not a friend at that time. I did a quick math in my head, if I should acknowledge her presence or not. Usually, I wouldn't think so much. I’d just wave at the person and walk past them if I recognized them. If I knew them well, maybe I would stand and talk to them for a while. But I didn't want to do either when it came to her. I don’t think anybody did. What was so weird about her? I had asked myself the same question few times; I’d asked the others the same question too. “She seems to be a bit… off? Don’t you think?” was the usual reply. “She’s a creep!” was the other reply, which was a bit rarer. So, being one of the people who considered her a bit “off”, I decided to ignore her. I walked two steps ahead, maybe three, and I heard a voice call out my name. It was her. “Hey, oh wow, hi! My eyesight sucks! What are you upto? Going somewhere?” I blurted out (God, the random things that came to my mind out of guilt), quite surprised because this girl qualifies to be an introvert, very silent, very shy. “No, not going anywhere bee! (That’s what they call me!) Too lazy, join me?”

Oh no, please, not her. “Sure”, I managed with a smile and sat next to her on the pavement.

“How’s life bee?”

“Not all that bad! Manageable! What about yours? And hey, why have you been missing classes? You’ll run low on attendance and the semester’s gonna get all fucked up!” (Now this was what I have to tell my classmates and fellow college goers. I am one of the representatives, and it was my ‘duty’, but frankly, I enjoyed the responsibility, and I do care.)

“Yeah, about that, I've been sick, so, I guess I’ll just try to find a way out of it!” She said, fidgeting.

My gaze automatically went down to her hand, and I noticed something. Something I just couldn't ignore. “What’s that? Have you been cutting yourself? Hey if there’s anything you need to talk about, anything at all, I’m here!” I said, shocked that this girl, who seemed to act all strong when spoken to, was actually a victim of self harm.

“It’s nothing. Don’t tell anybody, I beg of you! Please!”

“Are you mad? Of course I won’t tell anyone, but why this?”

And she began. She had been missing all those classes because she had to visit a shrink every other day. To erase all those memories and to get rid of those nightmares, she went. When she was not even old enough to know what ‘rape’ meant, her mother was raped. And what’s worse, she was raped by her husband, in front of this girl. You and I can probably never imagine how horrific that moment must have been for her. Marital rape is still not considered ‘rape’ by a lot of people in our country, because the husband has ‘rights’ to use his wife if and when he wishes to, according to them and vice-versa. But that isn't true. Marital rape is a serious crime that needs to be spread awareness about, more in the rural areas than in the urban. Nobody has the right to force themselves upon a person; emotionally or physically. Nobody can violate your privacy without your consent, please remember that. If you are a victim of any abuse, then talk to somebody about it. Get help. Remember, you deserve better than that. At the age of 11, her father left. He left his two daughters, and his unemployed wife, and went to live on his own. In such a situation, her mother had to come up with an immediate alternative to support the family, and she started off as an assistant tailor in one of the small Boutiques in the city. Seeing her mother being mistreated by her husband, by her family, by the society and by her own sister, she never had anybody to confess to. She slipped into depression by 10^th grade, and became a victim of self harm by 12^th grade. Not just self harm, but suicidal attempts. And this change in her emotional capacity has actually scarred her for life, and the truth is that she will never be able to get over it. Every minute, every second, someone becomes a victim of self harm. Someone is fighting a battle with themselves, but what they don’t know is that they will never win against it. These scars, which are supposed to relive them from pain, are marks of those memories that they want to forget, but how are they forgetting it, when they are carving it on themselves forever? Anybody who is reading this post, who is going through this, remember that you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem to be, and smarter than you think you are, and that things will be okay if you talk to someone about it. If she hadn't told me her story that evening, she would still be the “creep” whom I wanted to ignore. We often judge people so easily by how they appear to us and not by how they actually are. We classify them into good or bad, sane or insane, fun or boring the very first time we speak to them. That is a fact about them. But not all facts are the truth. Every person has a story. Every person is fighting a battle of which we know nothing about. Every person has something to show, and a lot more to hide. And everyone has something good about themselves, just waiting for us to notice it. Be kind.

Go on long walks, look around and you’ll see things. See them even closely, and you’ll notice them. Notice them to find something different. Let that difference influence you. Let that influence change your perspective. Let that perspective change your way of life, and let your way of life change the world.

Lean in; maybe you’ll hear her whisper. Maybe that’ll change your life.