LIFE AFTER 'BOARD EXAMS'; YOU SHALL SURVIVE.

"That awkward moment in an exam when you don't know anything, and you start laughing because you know you're fucked!"

So, dear juniors (you’re probably freaking out and checking what your zodiac holds for you; everyday), I heard your 12^th grade board exams sucked. How does it feel huh? Don’t blame me; I didn’t spy (really, I promise), I just read The Times of India, and boom- splashed on the front page- ‘MATH SCREWS CHILDREN OVER AGAIN- WALKS AWAY HAPPILY; CBSE BOARD FINALLY SATISFIED’. If you are one of those juniors who is on the verge of losing his/her shit or considering other career options, like selling coconuts maybe, believe me, this article is for you.

So, obviously, my last encounter with CBSE boards is recent, not ten million years ago. It was last year, and I’m happy to tell you- I’ve survived; still fat, not that fit, but healthy and breathing. So calm down and continue reading. I’m not going to assure you that your life will be truly amazing after the board exam results are out, because I haven’t even completed my first year in college yet, but- you shall live. And people shall forgive and forget, and the herd will move on; I can guarantee you this.

All my life, my parents, teachers, few stupid seniors, few tuition teachers, and basically 3/4^th of the world always told me that board exams were the MOST important thing in my life. After my 4^th grade finals, my teacher told me I had to perform the same way in my boards. I didn’t even know what boards were! Then, 8^th grade happened. Wow, high school and all that- where someone finally educated us on what board exams were, and how 10^th grade was super important to us. Just when we thought we got out shit together, CBSE brilliantly changed the examination pattern, and all the knowledge we had about the board exams went down the drain. They introduced CCE. I saw all my seniors get a CGPA above 9.6, and I decided- whatever that was, I was going to nail it; easy stuff. I later realised that my seniors were just smart and there was nothing more irritating than the CCE pattern. Somehow, magically, I passed 10^th grade like every other CBSE student, thanks to the new pattern, which made every child feel special. But was it over? Oh no. CBSE has a diabolical sense of humour. And that’s called 12^th grade.

Now like every other student who isn’t really sure of what to do in life, choosing the Science stream seemed like the safest bet. I always knew that I wanted a career in something related to Media. But no, I had a stupid logic that if I woke up some day, wanting to be a doctor, I wouldn’t be able to if I was in Humanities, but Science had the ability to get me through anything, and that would be my ultimate choice.

And believe me, if you can sit through every science class for 2 years, not understanding a single word, and still believe in yourself and your ability to pass, you can sail through anything.

One month before the board exams, I realised I hadn’t passed a single exam in Math in my 12^th grade, and there was literally no chance of me passing the boards; nope- no way! Just to be clear here, and boast a bit; I’m not stupid. If you’re judging me, thinking, “Hah, what a stupid child, can’t pass Math and all!” I will beat you up. I just hated Math so much, and all the other subjects (basically Physics, Chemistry and some part of Biology) too had Math! “Math” automatically got me to hate the Science stream. For me, exams meant acing the English exam. That’s all.

Board exams finally came around, and we all were like "Wah bhai, this is some serious shit, this is the true challenge in life, this is going to make me a drug addict, or even worse; an engineer", and board exams finally went away, and I came back home crying, freaking out, that my life was over. Now the thing about 12^th grade boards is that it is ‘supposed to’ decide your fate. Reality check: IF YOU DON’T HAVE YOUR BOARD EXAM CERTIFICATE, NO ‘DATE OF BIRTH’ CLARIFICATION, MEANS NO PASSPORT FOR YOU. A PASSPORT WILL LET YOU ROAM THE WORLD, AND YOU CAN HAVE FUN. FUN IS IMPORTANT IN LIFE. NO FUN MEANS BAD LIFE. HENCE, BOARD EXAM IS IMPORTANT.

I swear; this is how the logic works. Okay maybe not entirely, like, you need it till June, to get into a ‘good’ college and all, but that’s it! After that, nobody remembers anything! All those times your parents have compared you to poor kids who score well, your sibling who have better brains, your friends who cheat and score better than you; all those times your teachers have told you that this is the end of your life, times where your parents have given you lectures on how poor kids study with no facilities, and how much you suck, and how you have no future; basically all those moments; one word- BULLSH*T.

Look at us- your seniors- we survived; we got into a good college. I’ve known so many people who’ve scraped through boards and still ended up with a better future than the topper of their batch. I’ve met people with 60%, and also people with 90%, but nobody cares. It’s shocking how they literally put all their f*cks back into their pockets and just leave. No f*cks given. Your college professors won’t care; the students don’t care; your siblings don’t care (Okay, that’s a lie!); the society will find a new victim to prey on, and most of all, your parents will accept it and let it go. They won't disown you.

Every year, 100000000000’s of people appear in these exams (plus or minus one). Of course all of us can’t end up in IIT’s and St. Stephen's, and the other 'elite' colleges, but life goes on. You think I'm kidding? The topper of my batch (2014), Sarthak Agarwal, got a whooping 99.6% in the Science stream, and still didn't get into St. Stephen's. Not because he wasn't smart, but because the college has inhuman expectations. You worrying about it now won’t help you in any way, and the tension might just ruin your chances in the entrance exams. About that irritating neighbor who cares so much about your marks- look on the bright side- once it’s over, she’s out of your life. Maybe she’ll hover around for a month, but that’s going to be the end of it. You won’t end up as her dinner.

On a serious note though, I’m not saying these exams aren’t necessary, but they aren’t the end of your life. You still have the same opportunities, you still have the same chances; you can still achieve because there’s a lot more that life has to offer, example- your college exams. You just have to be true to yourself and believe in yourself. So what if you screwed it up? You’re not the only one. So what if you fail? As bad as it may seem, you are still lucky to have a second chance. So what if you didn’t get into your dream college? Join an ‘ordinary’ one and show them your capability. And if you hate the stream like I did, just get your shit together and start following your dream. 

Don’t let board exams spoil your trust and belief in yourself. They’re mere exams in the end. Life has so much more to offer if you are willing to accept it. There will be other issues and other problems to worry about, and 20 years down the lane, you’ll laugh about the fact that you were worried about your board exams out of all the things. Just accept it as it comes and put your best efforts into the entrance exams, and life will work out in its own strange ways.

For now, good luck for your results. May God be with you (let religion bring you peace).

O.K, BYE.

P.S:  Just in case you need tissues in May, start saving up now. If you pass with flying colors, calm the f*ck down; nobody cares after a week. That's all. 

LIFE, AFTER YOU STOP BEING A SOYA BEAN

“Never miss a party...good for the nerves--like celery.” 

― F. Scott Fitzgerald, Gatsby Girls

“Oh my God, there are so many people here! Why are there so many people on this planet? I need to go back and sleep; alone time is so important!” is something I usually think every day; 12 hours a day, I actually do get my alone time. Frankly, I’m so obsessed with the concept of ‘alone time’ after I came to college, that it took me an entire semester to realize that I had stopped socializing. 

Let me give you an example of how much I’d stopped participating in group activities. Recently, we had our college fest. Now, no matter where you are, no matter what you’re studying, no matter which grade you are in- school or college; fests are a very big deal! Everyone wants to participate, everyone wants to contribute; everyone except me. Why? Well, ‘too many people’ worked as a standard excuse. So when I actually looked around and realized I was pretty much the only one not contributing to the fest, I fell into my own guilt trap. After hours of contemplating, I decided I’d sign up to paint the Quadrangle (which is the empty space in the centre of the college, painted according to the theme of the fest every year), and somehow, I didn’t feel bad about it. Because 1. I love painting; LOVE isn’t even the word, but let’s just stick to that for now! 2. Because it is easy for me to zone out people when I paint, and 3. It was in the night, which meant I would get extra perm time, and I could enter my hostel at midnight without getting kicked out! It all seemed great and fell into place perfectly, and for the first time, I was sort of excited about something related to college. On the first night of painting the Quadrangle, I silently walked into the college, and tried to find a place to sit and decide what and where to start painting. And then, this happened: one classmate of mine who happened to notice me shrieked out in shock and everyone started clapping. Why? Because I was out in college, ‘contributing’ for the first time! 

Let me make one thing very clear here. They thought I didn’t show up because I was lazy; that’s not true. I was not lazy; I was ignorant towards it. Of course I joined in and laughed it off and continued my work, but this incident made me realise that my presence in college activities was so rare, that it was considered a sight when it actually happened. After this, I constantly began participating in more activities. Even though I internally despised it, I pushed myself to shut up, stop thinking, and go ahead and do it. After two months of constantly pushing myself into accepting this behaviour, I am glad to say, it was one of the best decisions I ever took.

In my school, I was a part of everything! So much that the teachers asked me to ‘participate’ in studying more, and not come to school just to be a part of extracurricular activities, or to socialize with people. I don’t really know how to explain this, but once I entered college, I decided to take a break from ‘participating’, and give some time to ‘contemplate’ things, and what I didn’t notice is that it had turned into an obsession, and I’d actually stopped participating. 

I hadn’t really thought about it positively, till now. Thinking out loud, expressing ideas, contributing and participating with real or fake enthusiasm; they have their perks. Most of the people who I consider significant in my life belong to this category and I find myself constantly fascinated by them. Honestly, if given a choice, I would choose socializing over alone time now. There are so many people around which also means- so many behaviours, so many personalities, so many different thought processes, so many ideas, so many possibilities and so many stories. Being a part of something, mingling with people; all of these not only helps the group on the whole, but also helps you as an individual, to become a better person. You learn to adjust and alter your attitude towards things and obtain a better result out of it. 

Does this mean I’ve completely given up on individual contribution and ‘alone time’? Hell no. I honestly think a balance between the both is necessary, which I can say from personal experience. There are a few things I want to do alone and take complete credit for. There are times when I don’t want people around and I honestly enjoy my own company. But what I’m trying to say is that doing ‘only’ this will help you in no way and draw you into a shell. Surrounded by people, you learn to be confident and accept your flaws with ease. You realise you are at your happiest when you join with people and lose your shit. I’m not joking. Moments you spend alone, you choose not to forget. Moments spent with people are the ones that can’t be forgotten! You not only learn to accept who you are socially, but over time, you begin to encourage and accept others for their personalities, and you begin to see the beauty in them. You become more cheerful, more imaginative, more entertaining, more sharing, less boring, more talkative, and more expressive and above all, more caring. Now, if you are like me, you’d probably ask “okay, all that’s amazing, yay, but let’s get to the point; how is this going to profit me?”, yes, for those of you who do not know me, *ahem* I *ahem*  can *ahem ahem* be a bitch *ahem* at times *ahem ahem*. Well, guess what? All of the above qualities will not only get a job, but will help you keep it. Now if this piece of information won’t make you happy and convince you to socialize, I don’t know what will.

Finally, all I’d like to say is that, if you’re alone, and if you’re sitting in a dark room … or the library, and reading this article, then stop right now (no, wait, I’m kidding, stop after 3 more sentences), get out of that place, go out, stand next the group of classmates you never talk to otherwise, look creepy, look insane, look innocent and shy, but just get involved and stat talking! Start making friends! Start participating! Believe me; you might have a lifetime ahead of you filled with a job in an office cubicle and a lot of alone time, but this moment, this chance right here, to make yourself a better person, nah- you’re not getting a lifetime supply of this! It’s now or never! So go out there, and go NOW! 

Your presence is the life of the conversation. Your idea was the one they were waiting for all along. 

A 'TOMORROW' COMES EVERYDAY; 'TODAY' COMES JUST ONCE

“What day is it?"

"It's today," squeaked Piglet.

"My favorite day," said Pooh.

I’m not really sure if I should be the one writing this article, considering the fact that I myself am not a person who lives in the moment, but the past few days have made me wonder if it’s really worth it to wait and let things fall where they may. Maybe writing this will help me too. I don’t know. 

“Planning the future and strategically executing it” is what I was always taught. Be it relationships, education, decisions, moments, anything; planning it out is necessary. It helps you on a long term basis, and you keep track on where are how you’re going. I think this is what we all are taught. But is it really true? What if this ‘future’ we depend on so blindly, the ‘future’ we think is certain, does not exist? What if this is it? What if this word, this sentence, this laughter, the sorrow, this very moment is all you’re going to have? What if today is the oldest you’ve ever been, and the youngest you’ll ever be again?

If you were to perish the next second, is this the life you are truly happy to have lived? 

Let me guess? No. Not just you and I, but 95% of the people would say no. And how do I know this? I don’t actually. But I am one of you people, and we all belong here. I can merely guess and hope that I am not in this- alone.  

‘Live like every day is your last’, ‘You Only Live Once (YOLO)’, ‘Live like there’s no tomorrow’, how often do we toss these sentences around? As a joke maybe! Or maybe we’re just trying to be cool! How many of us actually wake up every morning thinking “I’m not going to be there tomorrow. Let me live today like it’s the last!” None of us! We have faith; we have hope that no matter what happens, it won’t be us to lose out on a moment. That it will come back to us some other day, and life will give us a lot of chances to live these moments. But if you were to die the next moment, think about it, what would be the one thing you’d want to do, and have you done it already? Sadly, the answer is no; for me, for you and for everyone else. 

We might have the slightest crush on someone, we might love our dog too much, we might actually hate something to the extent of destroying it and we might dislike a person to the extent of scarring them for life. We might love a pet of ours whom we don’t get to spend time with. We might love to sing but we’re too scared to do it. We might want to pursue something but we’re too scared of being judged. But so what? They are going to judge you anyway, but you are not going to get this moment again. Your crush might not walk past you again. So what if he/she doesn’t like you back? At least you will be making their day! Does she like you back? Lean in, kiss her already! You might have never told your sibling how much you care for them, but show it to them once. Who knows, if you aren’t here tomorrow, maybe they’ll have a memory to smile about. Ever promised to catch up with someone? Promised to meet them? Then do it! Your parents; tell them you love them! Go and hug your mom right now, go and tell your dad that you’re proud to be his kid. Do you live away from home like I do? Then call them! 

Go to the nearest beach, or any place you love, some place you’ve always wanted to go to and leave your cameras aside. You have enough pictures. But do you have enough memories? Sit, breathe in, look around, live the moment. Close your eyes, and make that moment stay. Your pictures are for the world to see, but memories? Memories are personal. You can share your experiences with people, but the memories stay in our heart, in our own versions. Both of them are important. Experience will help you develop skills but memories; those are the ones that keep the fuel burning inside you, urging you never to stop. Maybe we’ll never get to go to another city, another country, but so what? Know that park near your home where ‘stupid kids’ make noise and play the whole day? Yeah, you used to be one of them, and that used to be your heaven! Go there, take your friends along. Want to go bungee jumping? Do it! Want to go to a strip club? Go there already! Want to get drunk? Want to do something crazy? Do it! (By that, I do not mean overdose on heroin and die) Want to talk about something? Talk now, talk about everything! Let your emotions and feelings out! Be kind, be compassionate, be fun, be truthful, be what you want to be because you might not wake up to be that tomorrow. Want to eat that ice cream so bad but you’re too scared that you might gain some weight? Just shut up already and eat it. 

Whenever someone told me to live in the moment and accept it as it came, I always told them that I was not that person. That I would give everything some time, and when it’s the right time, it would seem like the right thing to do. But I didn’t realize how wrong I was. Yes, I agree that certain things need a plan or you might just end up nowhere. But I lost few people, few moments and few experiences that I let go of, and I know I’m never getting them again, and it took so much to make me realize that having plans in life is one thing. Making life a plan, now that’s another thing, and believe me, it’s not worth it. In the end, we only regret the chances we never took. What wouldn’t I give to get another chance to be able to do things, say things; make things count? And as harsh as it sounds, who knows if your loved ones are going to be here tomorrow? Who knows if you are going to be here for them?  Seizing each moment in life allows us to prolong its value and make it more meaningful. Rather than seeking quantity of time, when we live in the moment we enjoy and savor every minute. You have to believe that this moment will change your life, and you have to live it! Stop waiting for the right moment, and make this count. Go ahead and commit the perfect mistake. 

What’s gone is the past, what’s coming is the future. This moment is a gift, and that is why it is called a present. 

IF I COULD TALK TO YOU ONE LAST TIME

The first time I saw Prasad, July 14th 2012.

"In my dreams

I'll always see you soar

Above the sky

In my heart

There will always be a place

For you for all my life

I'll keep a part

Of you with me

And everywhere I am

There you'll be"

I can’t forget a single minute of the very first time I saw him; something for which I was teased and even called ‘creepy’. July 14th, 2012, a group of musicians walked into the assembly hall of my school. We had our cultural fests going on, and I was the MC. The last minute stress of changing half the script was massive for an 11th grader who hadn’t really done this before. While I was hovering around my teacher asking for the names of those musicians, who were now setting up their instruments, I began to point at each of them, till I reached the last one that stood out from the rest. All of them were in white, he was in green. All of them were talking; he was looking straight back at me. It took me around 5 seconds to realize that I wasn’t just pointing; I was ogling like a retarded child. “That’s Prasad”, my teacher said, and I immediately wrote down his name; not in the script, but in a piece of paper. I had already decided to stalk this guy. The afternoon passed by soon, and I kept searching for him. The last time I saw him was on July 14th, 2012, standing at the door of the assembly hall, after the show; staring back. The moment I went home, I gathered some guts to talk to a senior of mine, Rajesh, whom I’d have never spoken to otherwise, just to trick him into giving me Prasad’s Facebook address.

Today, March 02nd 2015, the same Rajesh sent me a message on Facebook to inform me that Prasad had passed away. 

Later that night, after the fest, I contemplated a lot and sent him a request. I waited but nothing happened. The next evening, when I logged in, the first message was from Prasad; which I have till date. “heyyyy nice to see u here ... and trust me u r the best MC i've seen ... and to meet you after MCing in rotary club the previous nite,you made me realize there are many more talented n beautiful MCs around”.

I couldn’t believe it. And that’s how we began talking. There are few things in life that can’t be explained. Few relationships that need no description, few things that happen that have no reason. I didn’t speak much to my friends about how I’d actually managed to talk to this guy, and I don’t really know why. But I don’t think I’ve ever spoken to anyone who I hadn’t met (in person) in more than 2 and a half years about everything on earth. I don’t think anyone would have the patience to talk even after I blatantly refused to meet him or her, but he did. 

And the last time I spoke to him, I asked him never to talk to me again. I wish he hadn’t taken that seriously. I wish that was one thing God didn’t take seriously. And I’d give anything to go back in time and talk to him again; just talk to him and ask him to stay. I wish I could let him know how important he was to me. But something tells me that he knew. 

From encouraging me to write and paint to being one of the driving forces while I chose my professional course, from asking me to be brave and being there for me whenever I was weak, to putting up with all my drama and insults and still not giving up, from being a friend who was so much more than just that to teaching me how to be one too, he changed my life even without meeting me. Those occasional phone calls, the muffled laughter at my stupidity, his requests for me to sing for him once, the immediate review of everything I ever did, even if it was something as small as a doodle, or something as big as my valedictorian speech, everything has framed me into becoming a better person, and I can never thank him enough for that. 

Why did you have to leave? Why is it that so many people want to die, but are never given a chance to, and people like you who make everyone’s life better by being a part of it are taken away by not being given a choice? Why were you made to leave? Why you, of all the people? I guess this is a question neither of us can ever answer. Now, as much as I regret never meeting you, I guess it was a good thing that I didn’t, or how would I take this loss? Tell me. 

Prasad, I don’t know if I can talk to you now and if you’d listen. I don’t know if you will ever reply to me in any way, but I’m so sorry for all the stupid things I’ve ever said or done. And I’m so grateful, that you were a part of my life, still are, and will be forever. Thank you, for being such an amazing friend, guide and support. Not for once will I think it was stupid to stalk you and make you talk to me, because it brought me closer to you and I am eternally grateful for that. Thank you for making me who I am today and I know, that in that way, you’ll be with me forever. You asked me never to stop doing what I love, and I promise that I’ll always keep that in mind. I promise never to stop writing, because you told me you'd read even if no one else did. I promise to live the life that you thought I would, and I promise to be true to it. And I promise to always make you a part of it. 

I love you- always have; always will. 

Rest in peace Prasad, I miss you.